For most men, sex is an obstacle course—a track filled with snares and hurdles in which one scores points for technique as well as for getting to the finish line. The goal is not just to satisfy yourself, it is also all about satisfying your partner. And let’s be honest, sometimes you may not know whether you achieved that goal or not. Use these five tips to make sure you do.

1. Banish self-doubt. In many minds, a man has a responsibility not just to bring a woman to orgasm but to multiple, ecstatic, earth-shattering orgasms. Now that’s pressure!

Consider the following:

  • Do you constantly compare yourself to other men?
  • Do you judge yourself more harshly than you judge others?
  • Do you strive to be liked by everyone?
  • Are you overly sensitive to criticism?
  • Do you have a strong need to prove yourself?

If you answered yes to most of these questions, self-doubt is part of the problem, and your sex life will suffer. Work to raise your self-esteem. Look at all your positive accomplishments, at all your admirable traits. Examine the standards by which you measure yourself. If what you expect of yourself is based on standards imposed by other people, you are not being true to yourself. Most importantly, recognize who you are and what your values are and do everything you can to live up to those personal standards and goals. Set your own standards and then evaluate yourself with a fair and generous perspective. Do all this and your self-esteem will improve.

2. Recognize that every man has failed to satisfy a partner. Because of these mythical and unattainable standards, most men secretly believe that others enjoy sex more than they do. They further believe that others are a whole lot better at it. And this makes them doubt themselves and their ability to satisfy a partner. The fact is, every man has failed to satisfy a partner. Men who take such events in stride know that they are perfectly normal. They march without hesitation to their next sexual encounter.

3. Understand that arousal is an individual issue. What might be a major turn-on for you could leave your partner underwhelmed. Some men like a soft, gentle touch, while others prefer a vigorous, perhaps even rough, stroke. Some find slow, rhythmic movement a turn-on, while others go wild over rapid, irregular motion. Different women are also aroused in different ways. Despite the common belief that size is the key to satisfaction, a well-endowed partner does not guarantee orgasm for a female partner.

Nature, in its wisdom, placed the principal nerve endings that produce a woman’s sexual pleasure and orgasm right up front. By this grand design, they can be stimulated regardless of size. This means that any man is capable of satisfying any woman. 

4. Communicate. It is important for any sexually intimate couple to discuss their preferences. Partners who are willing to communicate with each other and work together can learn to compensate for any physical differences.

It is important to be sensitive to the delicate clues your partner may be giving you and to communicate in an open, honest, and considerate way. Talk to your partner about his mood, and try to get his mind off of whatever preoccupation is distracting him from focusing on the erotic moment. If there is a conflict within the relationship, work it out before continuing to have sex.

If you are with someone who has unrealistic expectations or puts too much pressure on you to perform, then communicate your feelings to her. Tell her how it makes you feel when she sets up unrealistic standards for you. If communication does not change her attitude, you may have to consider the possibility that she is not suitable as a partner for you. Intimidating lovers are not sexy. They are emasculating. Do not be fooled into thinking that you should meet crazy demands without blinking, or that failing to do so is a sign of personal inadequacy.

5. Experiment. If you are in a long-term relationship and the sex has gotten routine, experimenting is a great way to show your partner you care about his sexual satisfaction. When was the last time you and your partner undressed each other instead of starting out in your pajamas? When was the last time you necked in the living room and carried your partner into the bedroom? Or made love in the kitchen or the shower? Have you tried a different position in the last few years? Have you thought of using props? Browse in any sex shop and you will get countless ideas of how to invigorate your sex life. Above all, use your imagination and see what you come up with.

Ultimately, communication and experimentation are the best solutions for working out the intricate details of any sexual relationship. If you can balance these skills—along with confidence in yourself and knowledge of your partner’s preferences—you can achieve satisfaction for yourself and your partner.



Photo by Gary J. Wood, CC BY-SA 2.0